Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I tried to swim...

Try to swim, keep your head up
Kick your legs never give up, boy
If I could I'd turn it around
Let me out I wanna get out now
You know the feeling when you're in too deep

 Well friends and readers alike, I'm out. While I was ready for the job, I was never even close to the expense. I have officially had to place my real estate license in escrow, which is essentially like pressing 'pause' on a video game. I am unable to practice real estate, but it released me from the shackles of owing continued dues to my broker and the Real Estate Association. Having depleted my reserve of funds to keep going with no income coming in, it was the only move I could make to keep my family above water. 

The solution however didn't come without taking it's toll on my spirit. Indeed I believe coupled with some things that have been going on in my personal life of late, it has indeed placed me into a state of depression. It's a funny thing depression, an idea I never put much stock into before. I always believed that it was akin to someone in a bad or sad mood that refused to simply snap out of it. I now know otherwise. It's like having a dark cloud swirling within your mind, you KNOW that it's there, you WANT to escape, you WANT to feel better and smile again, but you are possessed by an internal sadness. Your mood regardless of how you WANT to feel is dictated by this new control. I liken it to being assimilated by the 'Borg' in Star Trek. As they say resistance is futile, I have been absorbed into the darkness. Now that may make it sound more hopeless than it may actually be. I have no intention of losing my mind to this enemy. However as I signed my license into suspended animation I was hit like a mortar, or a punch in the gut. I'm now for all intents unemployed during the absolute WORST time of year to be so. Professionally I feel I've spent the second half of this year messing up and digging myself into a hole. Personally I've engaged in a senseless argument with some close friends, which results in further loss. I now have creditors knocking at the door with their hand out, few prospects for how to pay them, and each week I remain unemployed it will only get worse. THEN on top of all that fun, I go to battle with my own mind on a daily basis. LC gets up and gets ready for work, and as she walks out the door my own mind screams at me "Get your ass out of bed! Don't you dare lay in this bed a moment longer! Get to work finding WORK!" And so I get up and scour the want-ad's for my next job. Hours can pass, and every moment I'm not spending looking for a job, my mind is chastising me for wasting even a moment. It's a kind of mental torture. So now I believe I understand what it means to be depressed. 
And of course my dear LC wants and tries so hard to be there for me. And some newer friends to my world who've become close in the past year or so have also begun to show support as I've not hid it well from them either. It's funny though I always thought I knew in life if I'd ever hit such a low, who would swing in and pick me up. What I've found is a little bit the opposite. And it's amazing the things that make things magically feel better, if only for a few moments or hours- the other day a friend texted me "Hey, thought you might want to grab some lunch, get out of the house for a while." And that meant quite a bit, because it worked, the clouds had parted for awhile.
I've never been one who was comfortable opening up to just anyone, and I've always held back with many friends. There are a precious few who have ever begun to learn the mechanics of who I really am or what gets to me, and what doesn't. I've oft struggled to feel comfortable not only expressing feelings, but even allowing myself to have negative feelings. I'm sure some psychologist out there could write a paper on what led to that, but the important thing to me is that I have always known that about myself. So not many people 'get me', and to me that was always OK. In recent days however, what I've begun to discover is sometimes you are surprised who comes out of the woodwork to help you. Sometimes it's the people you remained guarded with who continue to ask you how you are doing. And sometimes the people you always thought had the keys to figuring you out and helping you, have no idea at all what to say to you. And in some cases because they don't know what to say, they say nothing at all, and smile and nod at you, and go about their own business. Maybe they don't know what to say, maybe they don't know what to do. Maybe they WANT to, but have no idea how to help. Admittedly there's only so many times you can tell a person "wish i could help you." and they simply aren't equipped to figure out more. What I'm discovering though in all of this is- it's an eye opening experience. It isn't always going to be the ones you thought. And maybe that's OK. They say your taste buds change roughly every seven years and this allows you to try things you may not have enjoyed eating in the past. Maybe if you accept that new people come into your life and genuinely seem interested in picking you up when your down that those are the people you are meant to walk that stage of life with. And the ones that simply threw their hands up in the air and watched... maybe those are the ones that relegate themselves to the outer circle of your life.
Because having learned depression, I've made it my personal mission to simply get back to where I once was. When I climb out of this dark hole in life, I look forward to shaking hands with the people that made the climb with me. And it WILL be a when, not an IF. I WILL shake the anxiety attacks that shut me down. I WILL overcome the dark cloud trying to keep me in a constant state of sadness and hopelessness. I vow that to myself. And I will be back! There WILL be a sequel. I will make a return to the world of real estate, and I WILL prove that you don't have to hail from a wealthy background to make it work. I will learn through all of this who the people in my life are that I can genuinely count on, and who I can't. I WILL LEARN and I will come out a better more understanding person, for I will have experienced one more facet to life that maybe I once took for granted. 

Mercy what will become of us
Oh one by one could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Maybe this Year...

"Maybe this Christmas will mean something more
Maybe this year love will appear
Deeper than ever before
And maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
Someone we love, someone we've lost
For reasons we can't quite recall, oh
Maybe this Christmas
Maybe there'll be an open door
Maybe the star that shined before
Will shine once more, oh
And maybe this Christmas will find us at last
In Heavenly peace,
Grateful at least
For the love we've been shown in the past, oh
Maybe this Christmas, maybe this Christmas"
-Ron Sexsmith

OK so the holiday season is fully upon us, in two weeks it's Thanksgiving, in another after that Christmas, in between we have Hanukkah, and perhaps a few other faith-based holidays. I thought I'd take a short break from real estate for today's rambling, and just a bit on life. 
Let me start out by saying, I apologize for the CHRISTMAS music quote BEFORE Thanksgiving, I didn't choose it because I'm a huge fan of Christmas music at all, I actually chose it for it's lyrics and what it says to me, and hopefully to anyone who reads this. (I too dislike Christmas music before Turkey Day myself!)
So it's a Saturday morning at home, a rare time where the three of us (Lc, Kc, and I) are all home at the same time, and being the huge fans of food and Thanksgiving we are, decided it was officially time to start building and determining the menu for this year's meal. Add in the fact that we're watching Food Network while this is going on, so the of course gets the creative juices flowing. And what is the antithesis to creativity in the kitchen? I'll tell you- BUDGET. And this year is tighter than in prior years because, well I'm a new real estate agent and I'm not making much money, and my part time job isn't quite filling all the cracks yet. So we obviously have to be careful to not stray from a per-established budget. This is made more challenging because we also have to make some items Gluten-Free. I don't know if many of you out there have shopped for gluten-free ingredients, but let me tell you- they are typically twice or three times as expensive as their glutinous counterparts. So while that's not a main focus, it IS something we keep in mind in determining what to make. And because we're a little low on the funds now, I naturally have felt hugely responsible for the financial short-comings of recent months. 

It was during a little... turmoil, in the discussion over who was making certain pies this year; that I got to thinking. You see in the past Kc, in a nod to her late grandmother,  has taken on the pies for dessert. It takes her back to Thanksgivings of years past when she would spend an ENTIRE day morning-to-night baking a dozen pies and desserts with her grandmother for Thanksgiving Day. After Grandma Cassel passed away Kc immediately took on the Pie-Sampler mantle and still likes to hold on to the tradition of spending an entire day baking turkey day pies. Then the turmoil comes in when Lc also wants to bake a pie for our guests/family to enjoy. And as sisters often do... an argument arose and quickly dissipated and was resolved. (Yay! teamwork)

That's when I really started thinking about the state of things right now. This year with my finances in a less-than-awesome state, things are really being highlighted for me. I can see now why this time of year can really make or break people. For year's we all smile and nod at how 'disgracefully commercialized' the holiday season is, and for years it's taken for granted and we just cruise right through the season without a second thought about how much a toll it can take on other people. I will be the first to admit I've never been down during this season as a result I've selfishly plowed right through. I guess it's just another lesson in life that we, or I do and have taken a LOT for granted. 

I am a struggling real estate agent, I have a part time job, and I am looking for more work to get us through these tough times. And even still I don't have it NEAR as rough as some folks out there. I'm NOT homeless, I WILL have food, and I will get to see people I love this year. Not everyone has even that much. So despite being a little depressed, I take solace in knowing I'm still better off than people with real problems. I don't want to spend this season dwelling on what I don't have this year that I've had in the past. Gifts I've been able to buy, things I've been able to do. When you are taking life for granted you center EVERYTHING you have and can do around money. I WANT to be better than that. I'm not yet, but I know I can be if I try harder to appreciate EVERYTHING else in my world more. 

While I watched the girls have that dumb little spat I started thinking about that. "This is really an argument? Seriously?" Guys we get to spend this time together, with a roof over our heads, with heat! We are still eating a FABULOUS meal. We are getting together with some terrific people and sharing that. We are losing site of the most important part of THANKSGIVING, not the meal, but the time away from jobs and school, and drama; and just coming together because we've made it another year! Grandma Cassel will be looking down with her great big smile, knowing that the girls made pies TOGETHER. There is no reason Kc needs to worry that Lc was encroaching on territory or tradition. Lc has NO reason to feel like people are going to look at her and think "well she didn't make anything..." because EVERYONE knows how hard she works to get all the groceries, to prep ALL the food, to help me with the Turkey, to make the side dishes. AND then hosting people in our house and all the thankless tasks that only women remember afterwards- the stress of having people, keeping the house clean, cleaning the dishes. We HAVE to stop making things about "me" or "I". Holidays are "US" times. We need to do better in remembering that. I can already tell you my best Thanksgiving memories of recent years... it's not that we had a good meal. It's the proud look on Kc's face when I come home to see all the pies she's made that day. It's the smell of the Turkey roasting in the oven on Thanksgiving Day. It's my little sister's devilish grin when she grabs a bigger slice of pie than my mom would like her to have. Its the after-dinner coffee my dad always wants (and tries to get others to have with him because he doesn't like drinking alone!) It's the little 'kodak' moments that inevitably happen before, during, and after these celebrations. So this year, I challenge myself (but I hope you will join me,) to focus on not whats happening with me, but whats happening with anyone but me. And maybe this Christmas will find us at last In Heavenly peace, Grateful at least, For the love we've been shown in the past, oh Maybe this Christmas

Thanks for reading! Happy Holiday Season!



Monday, November 3, 2014

Salute, mi familia!

How long I'm tied up
My mind in knots -
My stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or
What I've done
It's got me living in fear
Well I know these voices must
Be my soul
Admittedly it's been awhile since my last entry into the blog-o-sphere. Sorry for that folks, I set out to write about my experiences in the Real Estate world as a new agent and I have failed you! However meanwhile in the sad world known as Reality, it's been just about three months since I've brought any income in. This sadly is taking a toll on Lauren and I's financial position. I read somewhere that you should plan to have six months or more of savings set aside PLUS money for your new 'business' when you decide to get a job in Real Estate. Unfortunately for us that was not the case, and I refuse to believe it has to be the case. So I've been a little embarrassed, maybe a little ashamed to admit that I've needed to find alternative sources of income. And I did, but like I said, I've been a little reluctant to admit to it, let alone post it on the internet for ALL the world to see. Then it occurred to me as I was driving back from a sales meeting this morning- THIS is EXACTLY why I began this blog. I set out to write about my experience as a new agent. I am a part-time Pizza Delivery Driver for a pizza chain that shall remain nameless (because I signed a statement saying I wouldn't!). Y'all are no doubt familiar with it, known for Better Ingredients and Better Pizza! (;O) 
Admittedly I felt like at 34 years old, this should be a sign of failing. I've been pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of support I've gotten from my friends and family. 
One of my best friends in the world told me, "...I'm proud of you homie, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, your doing what you need to do, and not making excuses!"
 A fellow agent mentioned today, "I completely understand! You need something when your getting into this!" 
Even Lauren, who knew better than anyone how I was feeling, "Hon, I couldn't be more proud! Your trying to do what you can!"
 And many of my other friends that I've mentioned this to have shown the same level of support, not once have I been made fun of or a joke thrown my way. So you gotta figure your doing something right when you are getting this kind of support from the important people around you. That's is a blessing for sure! I think of this as yet another life lesson I've learned- surround yourself with people that are willing to pick you up when your falling down. I'm reminded of one of my favorite movie quotes- 
"Money will come and go ? We all know that. The most important thing in life will always be the people in this room. Right here, right now. Salute, mi familia!" - Dominic Toretto, Fast Five. 

As always, Thanks very much for your support, and reading my ramblings!

-Ryan